Narrator’s Note August 2020: In August of 2005, I moved to Toyama, Japan to teach English. I was 22 years old, had only gone to Mexico once on a senior trip, did not speak Japanese, had no training as a teacher, was terrified of flying, and was living alone. In the interest of sharing my origin story, I felt I had to include writing from the time in my life that planted the seed of living abroad. I am including these Myspace- my God, I know- blogs of my year in Japan. Photos have been added retroactively, as when I was originally writing I had to go to an internet cafe, and I only had disposable cameras. Finally getting a laptop and a digital camera felt like what being rich meant. What a time to be alive.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
wow
Current mood: contemplative
So, I am finally officially ready to come home. Up until, oh, today I was fighting it. I didn’t want to come home. But now, man, I’m done. Through. If I could get up and get on a plane and leave all my crap here for some band of packing ninjas to take care of, I would do it. I am tired of being plant in transplant lady. I have ripped up all of my roots here and I am standing around, holding a drippy mess of soil and am asking the person in charge of my life- whoever you are, we need to talk, I don’t think I quite deserve the last few weeks, thank you very much- “Where can I put this? Do you have an old tupperware or something?”
This isn’t sudden very very very very late onset homesickness, or some sort of “why the hell did I live in Japan?!!??” kind of thing. It’s just a matter of fact, sensible realization- yes, I was only supposed to do a year here. Yes, I am about to leave. And I am finally okay with the end of my time here. More than okay. I’m excited about what happens next. Who knows what that will be. But I just hope it doesn’t have anything to do with death. If there was a life lesson theme for this year, Death would for sure be it. Death and Dealing. I’ve taught myself my own fun college elective course kids. And by fun I mean…not quite fun. But necessary. And good for me. But good for me in that shitty way, like how ripping a bullet out of someone’s body in the old west was good for them, as in, they didn’t die, but it was really bad for them, as in, when it was happening, they wished they could just die. You know, the ole’ give and take of life. The ebb and the flow. The transition of your role from shoe to ant and back again. What can you do.
This year has been the absolute best thing I could have done. If I had said “my goal is to grow as much as I possibly can, in almost every area of my life, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and do it in about a year” then the first answer would have been “Go teach English in Japan alone, lady”.
And then be smart enough to realize that the year contract was the perfect amount of time. Don’t be afraid to leave. You’ll still be the same better person in America that have become in Japan. But people will understand you and you can get hummus in the grocery store.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Depression Checklist
Self:
1)Horrible mood swings
2) Feelings of general not-giving-a-shit
3) Haven’t showered for five days, but not because of a cheery, “who cares!” attitude, but because I simply couldn’t be bothered, and don’t care enough to
4) Pants are fitting really tight as a result of late night binges on cakes, cookies, pretty much anything I can eat mindlessly
Apartment:
1) Disgusting- smells like an old sock, aforementioned junk food wrappers are everywhere, clothes, dirty dishes, the whole lot
2) Closed up and dark, just the perfect setting to sit and wallow in my own stupid misery
3) Filled with the strains of various depressing/angry musical artists
So, yep. All signs point to Depressive Episode time for Cortney. Here it comes again. My old friend. A pretty shitty friend I might add. But, at least this time it can be chalked up to normal, life reactive down feelings, instead of random misery in the middle of nowhere.
Things are crazy around here, with life, and work, and just everything. So this time it’s without the “what the hell is wrong with me??” agony. And this time I can also take a step back, and realize, objectively, from the very start “whoa, here we go again” and hopefully this will just be a normal down time that we as humans have to endure. Because really, being ecstatic all the time would get old really quickly. In fact, even as I’m writing this, I can tell from the sarcasm and the humor that maybe I have in fact become capable of having pretty normal ups and down, instead of reacting to a down time with a spiral of anxiety that I will become Sylvia Plath.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
I’ve been going gangbusters- my body pretty much hates me
Current mood: exhausted
I feel so out of it- exhausted, drained, stressed out. I now realize that I am just driving myself to the brink of a physical breakdown. I have no energy not because I’m really depressed, but because I am worn down to the bone. I haven’t slept well in about three weeks, staying up late, waking up early, really bad dreams. Sleep deprivation is a bitch. I am full of pain, my stomach, my head, my back, my neck, my chest. I am all loopy and weird, weak, I’m spelling words wrong, I’m running into shit in my apartment, it’s crazy. Believe me, I can totally understand how people can die from sleep deprivation. I take back the last blog. I am just not taking care of myself very well, especially in the face of extreme stress from life and work. I leave here in barely a month, and am a constant mix of ready to go and WAIT WHY AM I GOING?
I cleaned the hell out of my apartment today, I threw out a ton of crap, packed a big box to send home, went through letters, pictures, and souvenirs to organize, and had a big healthy dinner of veggies and apples and peanut butter for dessert. I even drank water all day, and spent the whole day outside, biking- granted from store to store, and not on some idyllic path down to the sea, but I’ll take what I can get.
I feel so much better mentally, although, to be clear, I still feel like a wrung out rag. The fact that that is “so much better mentally” says a lot.
I’m going to do a big load of nothing tomorrow- other than teach my make-up classes from Tuesday, after finding out about Grandpa- take a book to the park, write some letters, and look forward to the fact that I have three days of work and then a long glorious WEEK LONG vacation. And after that? Three weeks and two days in Japan, 17 of which are working days, and the last seven of which will be spent in a plush hotel that the company is footing the bill for.
That last week the new girl gets to take over her new position in all of its glory. I’m reclaiming the battle cry that G and I came up with- “_______* can steal my soul and prostitute me out as a language lady for what is an insultingly low hourly rate when you actually get down to it, but they CANNOT make me miserable.” You can also stick your tongue out if you want. This is a safe form of rebellion, because they won’t cut it off, as it is vital to their continued ability to make money. You flip em’ off… well, you don’t need a finger to teach. They’ll take that bitch. And then make you eat it. And then bawl you out for starting class late because they just cut off your finger and made you eat it. Watch yourself.
I gotta start sleeping and working out again so I can hone my skills back up to corporate education factory worker mode.
*I am back to being a bit freaked about writing about the company because I found out they have people combing our blogs to make sure we aren’t sullying their golden name. We have to sign a thing in our contract that says we aren’t allowed to defame the company during contract and for an ENTIRE year after our contract- this can extend to include telling our friends about our shitty experiences, and thus dissuading them from signing up.
To be clear, _____ does a ton of awesome stuff, and I would do it all over again, with the same company even, because my students are fun and my coworkers have been incredible. However, they also do a ton of really really shitty stuff, like not really setting up a system to give good education to the students, combing our blogs when they should be telling our managers not to make us teach 40 classes a week, or making us teach our co-teachers makeup lesson on a Monday because she they don’t want to pay her overtime and I took off four hours because my grandfather died. I should probably call ________ and congratulate them on their good fortune- how lucky that my personal loss helped them avoid monetary loss…
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
too….many….options…..must….run….away…..
Current mood: restless
I am about to finish my contract here in good ol’ Japan. In order to continue working the last two weeks, I had to go renew my visa. For an entire year. So, I could potentially stay as long as I damn well please- well, at least for another year, which would never happen, but I might want to stay a few months extra, so, basically, as long as I please.
I have posted a resume on a website specifically for foreigners. I have only applied to jobs that will be part-time, and pay me approximately $45-$75 American dollars an hour. I can’t breathe thinking about that. I have already had five e-mail requests for phone interviews and two phone calls asking for interviews- within two days of my posting my resume. I can also join findateacher.net, and teach private lessons making about $50.00 an hour.
Or…….I also applied to teach English in Thailand. The first month they put you up in a hotel, everything paid for, and you take a TOEFL course for free. The next four months you teach in local schools making about three times the local average so you can save, no bills, everything paid for, so, basically, I’d be living like a queen and can start paying off school debt (fuck). Plus, with a TOEFL I can go anywhere in the world, even teach at some universities, and I won’t have to be contract labor anymore at English schools that don’t really teach much English in the end because of the system.
Or….I can come home, work and save while living with my parents, and then this January ’07 go into a political science master’s program with a minor in legal studies I am really interested in, and next winter my early Christmas present to myself will be the completion of my graduate degree…
BUT, by doing the English teaching jobs, I can apply to volunteer on this cruise ship that goes all the way around the world, three times a year, departure from Japan. It’s for raising awareness of peaceful solutions to conflicts, they have visiting lecturers from all over the world, all the people onboard contribute teaching classes, and you visit approximately 20 countries in three months, and when you’re at sea, it’s a big huge cruise ship with people from all over the world. Their goal is nuclear disarmament. And it’s free if you’re volunteer teaching English. Plus, you can take free classes from everyone onboard, and you can get a post-grad cert. in peace studies while you’re on it. Basically it sounds like the most amazing thing to do with three months of my life.
Of course I can return home, and volunteer teach English to adults at a place I have already contacted, and gotten an enthusiastic response from, fly back to Japan for the interview and hopefully bring some people with me for a week of fun and imposing on Jess, go back home, hopefully with the position secured, and be in the states through Christmas- which is a holiday I would miss again if I took the Thailand job. Now, I don’t care, because if no one is talking about it around me I forget about holidays, but I know that would not be very pleasant for my parents, especially my mom….so, I’m insanely tired, it’s late, and basically I’m probably just going to come home, so I don’t know why I’ve even typed this…but maybe I won’t come home….or….
I….don’t…..know…..what….to…..do.
2020 me wants to tell 23 year old me this will never change, don’t worry
Someone decide my life for me, ready, set….GO! I’ll go to sleep now and look forward to reading all of your pearls of wisdom. Good night, darlings. See you soon… maybe? Or? Uggggggh.
Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006
okay, well, I think…….maybe…..
After being completely not mentally present during basically any of my classes today- maybe that’s why it went so quickly – I have realized what I DON’T want to do. I don’t want to do the Thailand job. I want to go to Thailand so badly, it’s probably in my top three of travel destinations, but…just not yet. Which makes no sense, but whatever.
If I am totally in love/obsessed with the place, and I have the chance to go there with everything paid, get a TESOL, and live like a queen … and all I can think is “cool… but not yet” I think I should heed that. But seriously, I think it’s because if I ever went there I might never come home, from everything I hear/have read/seen about it. So, no thank you, Thailand. But I’ll see you soon* you sweet jewel of a country…
Narrator’s Note August 2020: “soon” ended up being seven years later, but that’s another story for another day.
So, update on the Japan option. Jess has a place. Great place. Cheap as hell, plus a huge perk is getting to live with her and hang out in Tokyo for three months. I can get a job in probably a week making at least the minimum $30 an hour. I figured it out, and it’s ridiculous how much just three more months would put me ahead- seriously, ALL of my debt with the exception of my student loan would be…wait for it…PAID off. And after I pay my bills here in Japan/home every month…….this still leaves me about $1,500 a MONTH spending, free, do with what I damn well please money. If I got the job on Peaceboat (which interviews Nov 10th- 12th) I could come home and basically do nothing for all of December, January, and February, because all my shit would be paid off, and then kick it back to Japan to leave on Peaceboat February 25th, 2007. If I didn’t get the Peaceboat gig, big deal, I’d still go home the first week of December with no debt, be a lazy slob until early January, and then go to school this Spring ’07.
It sounds perfect right? Especially when I compare it to the crappy paying jobs I will have to get if I come home to America…
an accurate prophesy, it turns out
So why am I not jumping for joy? Honestly, staying here is the most responsible, beneficial, and sensible thing I could do- plus I’d be having a blast. It’s a win win situation- Peaceboat or no Peaceboat, I’m still coming home for Christmas with no debt and getting to be lazy for at least a month. Being in school with no monthly payments as opposed to about $300 is….um….definitely better.
I have to get to the bottom of why I still think “nope, you’re going home”. I fear it’s just because I have told myself, so many times as I count down to the end of my time with ________, “I’m going home the tenth…I’m going home the tenth…I’m going home the tenth…”
So, are these feelings of uneasiness simply a reaction to the Japan deadline I have manufactured, Pavlovian style? Or is it a true “gut instinct”? And how the hell can I tell the difference? Am I being just lazy/scared and wanting to come home because that’s “the plan”? Even if it takes two weeks to get a job- not likely, Tokyo has more English jobs than I think are really even necessary, but hey I’m not complaining- I didn’t plan on working for about two weeks when I got home ANYWAY, and after a two week hiatus in Japan versus America I’ll be making three times as much per hour.
WHAT THE FUCK IS MY PROBLEM? Is it a martyr complex, some sick thing in me, my lingering pride over hard times? Is it just too easy to slip out of debt, and I mistrust it? Do I feel like I should not do it on principle, like “oh, I’m not staying just for stupid great pay and the promise of three more months of fun”? Do I need some sort of difficulty to make sure I don’t forget where I come from, financial and life struggles?
Maybe I fear that if I have a degree and no debt five years out of high school, plus being able to see the world, that I’m not me anymore, like I’ll become those people who have it easy, who don’t know what it is to struggle, to teeter on the brink if you float the checks wrong, who don’t have compassion for how hard life is for most people.
Or is it just guilt? Guilt, plain and simple, that my decision to stay longer will be interpreted by others as a big “hey, I don’t need you, look, I can decide two weeks before I’m supposed to come home that I’m not going to…whatever, I don’t care, I’m totally emotionally removed from everyone around me…have fun in the U.S.!” And I know no one would think that. It’s just that so many horrible things have happened in my family since I left, and perhaps I have some sentimental image of my coming home being some kind of uplifting thing.
Does that make me sound egotistical? And….wait a minute….oh gross, I’ve become that rambly emotional blogger. Blast my stupid need to talk out loud, curse these rambly hands! I’m cutting myself off. Tune in tomorrow when I announce I’m going to Thailand after all. Sometimes I hate me, I can only imagine how excruciating it is for all of you to read my flip-flopping back and forth like some flaky little idiot……good night!
Friday, August 25, 2006
hmmm…maybe it’s time to clean? or just buy a big scary house with a lot of cats…
Current mood: exhausted
As I stood up from in front of the computer I leaned over for a good long stretch to work out the ol’ stress knots. I have been carefully growing them by obsessively vacillating between going home/not going home/going home/not going home. It’s coming along very nicely, thank you for asking…
So, as I’m bent over, I see a little chunkybeigey foreign particle- an insect, a weird piece of trash, or a refugee morsel of whatever food I had chosen to eat in front of the computer cross legged this week, who knew? So, of course, I do what any rational person would do.
I lean over closer, cock my head and say “And what are YOU?” in the exact same coo that crazy old ladies use with children on Halloween. So, I’m thinking, that maybe, juuuuuust maybe, since I have to be packed and out of this apartment, which I am expected to leave spotless, I should start packing and cleaning. As opposed to fostering the delusion that I am not disgusting by trying to have casual conversation with leftovers. Just a thought.
For the record, it was granola. I had it for dinner last night. So I’m all good. Mind you the shriveled pods of soybeans are still chillin’ in front of my mirror in a bowl on the floor, and we just won’t talk about when I ate those….because I don’t remember. So we can’t talk about it. But I’ll probably be back tomorrow talking about how I don’t know if I should stay or go.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
my impending triumphant return to the bosom of capitalism and talentless celebrities…
Current mood: contemplative
Yes, gentle readers, I have decided to grace my country with my presence. Now, I know you’re all excited, but you should know that I do have a backup plan.
I shall soon be making a little trip to the immigration office to procure what is known as a re-entry permit, or, in my mind “the stick keeping the door to Japan open just enough to slip my fingers in if I can’t hack it in America”. My visa is good for a year from this August, so I just drop about $60 USD and I can come and go as I please. Think of my relationship with Japan as being like Sayuri’s “husband” in Memoirs of a Geisha (sidenote- read it, great book).
In other news, guess how much packing I haven’t done? All of it!
See, if you read that previous sentence really fast, you might think I said “guess how much packing I’ve done? All of it!”. But really I just let you guys know by a sneaky drive by contraction that I am, in fact, still living in denial of my impending departure.
The fact that I am choosing to say it in a way that would be interpreted as my NOT living in denial shows just how deep I am in- three layers, being 1) denial, 2) reverse psychology on oneself about denial, and then 3) down to the deep, ancient bedrock of denial, the real syrupy concentrated stuff deep in un-mineable places, no canaries survive down this deep, of that I can assure you. Maybe New York rats and Texas water bugs, but certainly no canaries.
I am getting really excited about the following things: family and friends.
I am nervous about the following things: everything else, especially America, English, people who speak English, and people who are American.
Some may say I am setting my self up, creating a self fulfilling prophecy, but I really do know that the culture shock of coming back to America is going to be way worse than Japan- because I had no culture shock with Japan, in terms of the day to day. I was enraptured. A culture not based on catcalling women in the streets, talking “shit” on perfect strangers, getting into fights at the grocery store if someone accidentally steps in front of you in line- what a concept!
Mind you, Japan has just as many problems as America. Every country has its really crappy aspects. I grow a little weary of everyone bashing America, as though it is the only country with problems (I really can’t count how many times I’ve had to listen to lectures about how awful Bush is, and I agree, but am still weirdly annoyed by the constant topic). Of course, the big difference between America’s crap and other countries’ crap is that America has enough power to subject others to her crap. And I think the less than ideal conditions in Japan are easier for me to deal with than the less than ideal conditions in America.
I think I was obsessing over staying versus going because I am getting all nostalgic about Japan, focusing on the good things, and being fearful of the things that pain me about America. But the point is, life is life wherever you go. I am not any better or worse in Japan than I am in Texas. My life here is just my life, just as my life in Texas will just be my life.
People that live in Paris, going to their own boring jobs, dealing with debt, life stuff, whatever, they don’t wake up and say “but it’s okay, because Paris is so cool, check out that Eiffel Tower! I feel a million times better!”.
Every place can be both wonderful and shitty. And most of the time, those who know a place best think it’s shitty and boring, and those who know it the least think it’s wonderful. But we never remember that. We keep thinking “if I just went to ______, how great!” And I still want to travel. I still want to see the world, all that stuff I couldn’t have done even a half century ago, just because I was a woman…but I’m over my initial worry about coming home now.
Maybe it seems pessimistic, but it is actually very freeing. Every place has the potential to be miserable or euphoric. But it’s still the same geographic location. The only difference is how you approach it. And I am approaching Texas with excitement- trepidation, yes, most definitely that too- but excitement most of all.
Friday, September 01, 2006
I know, this shouldn’t need to be learned by trial and error
Eating avocado doritos immediately before eating tuna sushi with wasabi and soy sauce should generally be avoided. On a related note, I am dropping loads of green on moving home. A blog on the peculiarities of Japanese gynecaelogical practices will follow shortly, but if the brevity of this one dissapoints, see the previous post.
Off to pack!*
*Watch 6 Feet Under and procrastinate
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Last night……okay, morning :)…..in Japan
Current mood: exhausted
Just got through with a night of dancing at Penny Black, Toyama’s seedy gaijin bar. As I shimmied around to Arabic hip hop surrounded by people from all over the world, watching the prostitutes barter and flirt, I was really just overcome with how strange it is that this tiny little bit of life in Japan, on the other side of the world, is something that I know about.
I’m going to go home, to do who knows what, but I’ll know what life is like for all the world traveling English teachers in this little country town on the Japan coast. How strangely specific.
My carry on luggage is buried beneath a mound of things that I am fairly certain will not, under any circumstance, fit in said luggage, so I am choosing to forego packing and utilize a piece of the last four hours of prep I have to write this blog. One, I am freaked out my plane is going to crash. Two, I know that’s stupid and I’m putting it out there because I feel like if enough people tell me it’s stupid I’ll stop thinking it. Three, I have stuffed down my tears all week and I am terrified to sift through the things I have to pack, because they are all very dear to me- their importance is what earned them a spot in the carryon, the bag that will not get lost unless I willfully just don’t take it on the plane. My notebook journals, my pictures, my mementos and letters and gifts from the children, my laptop with all of my writing from this year on it.
I know I will sit down in front of my suitcase, cross legged, with every intention of quickly packing away everything. And then I will start reading a card. Or looking at some pictures. And then I will probably just lose it. I’d prefer to cry myself out on the plane in the bathroom, so I can get some sleep. As it is, I’m probably going to end up staying up all night, seeing as how I leave my hotel in three and a half hours, and we’ve already gone over how much I haven’t gotten done.
I am going to start being a responsible girl and get off of my ass and go pack. I have way too much to sort and organize. I will see some of you very very soon! I love you all and I can’t wait to see you face to face!!!
Monday, September 11, 2006
thank you carryon, for being the only thing that made it from Japan
So, I’m home. Yep. In one piece, despite my convincing myself it wouldn’t happen.
The trip home was great, although, once you’ve read about it, maybe some of you won’t think so.
story of my traveling life forever
Per my last blog, I did end up staying up all night and packing. I left my hotel at 7:30 a.m. with no sleep, got to the train station, waited for half an hour, contemplating my life in Toyama, looking around and such, before leaving on my train at 8:19 a.m. (Sunday, Sept 10th). I was on the train for four hours, then got on a half hour train straight to the airport, where I waited for two hours to get on my plane.
Oh, the plane ride. It was turbulent from takeoff to landing. It was probably one of the worst plane rides I’ve ever had. It was impossible to sleep, because the shaking would rock my body completely right and left, and I’d wake up. We dropped a few times, and there were a good handful of really violent bursts, just everything shaking, people grabbing onto things, but after the first 3 hours of it I got used to it.
The next 7 hours of the flight I slept about, mmm… probably two hours total. This is after no sleep the night before. So, I get to the airport, and realize, oh, great, it’s 9:18 a.m. (same day, still Sunday mind you), I have to be boarding at 10:35 a.m.- and I have to go through customs, get and re-check my baggage, and then go through security all over again. I wait and wait and wait for my baggage, finally give it up, and go to the counter. The lady is incredibly rude, literally rolling her eyes and heaving deep sighs. I tell her my company sent my luggage ahead, she checks, says it never left Japan, that I didn’t check any luggage. I thank her and take off to make my flight.
I get on the other side of security at 10:30, and then have to run to the other side of the airport, to be told they just finished boarding my plane. I go back, call my parents, and then stand in line for an hour to get the next flight. At noon, I finally get to the counter to change my flight- and am told that the flight I missed actually had to come back and re-board, so I guess I actually missed the same fucking flight twice. Cool?
But, it’s fine, I get a flight at 6:45 P.M. that night, everything is good. I have, being myself, made friends with everyone in the line, including a group of Japanese students of English, so it was nice to speak Japanese and feel a little more comfortable- because I was seriously having some major transition shock already.
At this point, I have almost seven hours to kill. I go eat a sandwich, wander around, then go to my gate and sleep on the floor. I wake up every hour or so for four hours, not really sleeping, just doing the Japanese train doze thing, and stumble over to check that my flight is for sure leaving from that gate. So, by sleep I mean lounge in a state of stupefied semi-conscious exhaustion tinged with fear I will miss the second flight for the third time that day.
Finally, I get on the plane. My seatmate is nice and we have a good talk, the trip is also really really turbulent, and I finally touch down- bear in mind, sunwise and date wise, it’s the SAME DAMN DAY, but time wise it’s been two. I gotta tell you, even though it might now seem like it, it was a really good trip. I just kind of rolled with it, what else could I do?
I wish I hadn’t been too exhausted, or I would have left the airport to actually see San Francisco, or a small piece of it at least. But I’m home. I have been accidentally speaking Japanese to everyone, and it feels stupid and precious, but it really is hard to get back into speaking English in the day to day interactions. I miss speaking Japanese already.
I am typing this after waking up at 7:30 a.m. this morning, after going to bed around 2 a.m. It’s good to be back. I don’t really know how I feel yet, but I don’t feel bad, so that’s good.
See you guys soon.
Narrator’s Note August 2020: Y’all, I am collating these old blogs and building this website as I sit in Kazakhstan in quarantine, during a summer when I was supposed to go home and visit all of my friends and family per every other summer tradition. And it is hitting me, hard, that I wish I could be saying “See you guys soon.” I have no idea when I will be able to leave Kazakhstan and have a guarantee of being able to get back in. I miss you all so much, and can’t wait until we can all be together again- and hug, and not wear masks, and, and, and. Thank you to those of you who have been loving and supporting me from afar ever since this first year in Japan.
